Anyhow, life went on, I got married, got divorced, searched more, re-read the Course, read more books on ‘spirituality’, dieted, got married again and when I had my daughter one of the first major walls of the constructed persona, fell down. When she was born, I had her at home with a midwife attending the birth. It was a beautiful, empowering experience for me. That night I did not sleep, I was in awe but mostly I was in love. As she flew out of me with that last push, I caught her, held her and saw in the dim November twilight that her tiny body was surrounded by a halo of the most beautiful, brilliant, neon blue light I had ever ‘seen’. It was amazing, breathtaking and there she was - perfection. She slept like a log the whole night but I couldn’t, the adrenaline was rushing through me. Finally, something, more specifically, someone had arrived in my life who needed me 24/7/365. I could not continue to perpetuate a secret inner life. This realization was sobering, thrilling and drove me mad. Yes, I was a very selfish and self absorbed being. But I loved her so much. She was and is everything to me. Yet, I made mistakes, small ones and big ones. Forgiveness has been essential in releasing all the mental programming that we not only are born into but bring with us.
The whole unfolding of ‘waking up’ continued. My husband reported that I was having jerking movements at night while sleeping (kriyas) and I was being taught during spontaneous meditation sessions. These sessions were very informal, I could be sitting or lying down, nursing my baby or just resting while she napped and the information would pour in. It was similar to what had occurred to me in college, information from somewhere beyond me and my brain, would arrive. One thing was becoming certain to me, that the body was not a dense object separate from the mind. They were more than intimately connected. I knew this because of food and how it affects our health and moods. I had studied Macrobiotics and cooked in a style loosely based on those concepts. Organic food, preferably locally grown, mostly vegetables, grains, fish, beans, sea vegetables, some seeds, fruit and occasionally chicken.
Eating this way ensured health. No dairy meant no colds or ear infections, no meat meant no clogged arteries and no sugar meant no metabolic disturbances or insulin problems. Eating this way helped with mood and energy, keeping both stable. However, I loved sugar, a habit from my own childhood, and this would plague me for a long, long time. Sugar is a drug and we easily become addicted to it. It comes in many different forms and is added to practically all foods you can find out in the world that aren’t in their raw, original state. So avoiding it still requires vigilance.
Back to the body not being what is normally considered ‘real’ here in the world; that is what I began to see. I also began to see light emanating from my hands, extending out from the fingertips to be precise. We all have this ability, it is innate and present in all of us. We have simply forgotten.
We are all capable of this kind of seeing, but our minds are full of the past and future and we have forgotten What we Are. I ‘knew’ that all healing began in the mind, that what we believed was what we would experience. All experience pleasant or otherwise reflects belief firmly planted in our subconscious and we are “playing our role” to the hilt to confirm the ‘truth’ of our belief. Therefore, if we were to become aware, awake, or realize what we were bringing to ourselves, and we wanted to change it, we could. But the real problems came about when we could not see or admit that we held certain beliefs to be the ultimate reality. I’ll call these core beliefs as they form the center of an identity we as humans would literally kill for to preserve. The core identity is a construct of beliefs laid down by programming we receive from the environment we are raised in, like a blueprint, no matter how much a rebel we think we are. Some time or another we find, when we face ourselves, that we hold certain ideas to be ‘The truth’. Some of these ideas are from our individual viewpoints, some are regional, some are national, cultural and some are even global. Yes, there is a global belief system.
So, in its’ own way, in perfect divine time, I ‘saw’ that all that went on in the body/mind vehicle, came formed from these constructs.
When I was 33 I met a woman in the dressing room area of the local GAP clothing store. She admired my two year old daughter’s shoes. They were like Dorothy’s ruby red slippers from the Wizard of Oz. We struck up a conversation and soon after became friends. She claimed to be psychic and after being challenged she proved to be the real thing. One thing she said to me was that I ‘needed to come out of the closet’. I feigned innocence saying “I don’t know what you mean by that remark”, she immediately retorted, “You know exactly what I mean.” And I did, too. I knew I could place my hands on people and they could feel the energy in them, and they would get better. I knew that if I let go of my own egoic projections and desires and surrendered myself to Spirit, people would heal.
My first guinea pig was my daughter, who to this day asks me to put my hands on her when she feels “tweaked”. She was two and hit her head, rather severely. I put my hands on her little head and relaxed into the vortex of healing energy. Afterwards she was fine, not even a bruise. My husband, a computer software architect, also could feel the energy when I worked on him. And finally the aforementioned dear woman arrived to “bring me out”. One day, she asked me to put my hands on her because her menstruation was late, I did and her period started immediately. Just recently I did this for a young client of mine. Once I admitted, out loud to myself, with a witness present that I had a gift, a talent, people began to arrive. It was all quite remarkable. I entertained for a moment the idea that I was somehow doing this, but that lasted for about a nanosecond. This healing gift, this light was coming through me; I was just the messenger, the vehicle, so to speak. People would come to the house and I would put my hands on them, wherever they had body pain or if they were in emotional pain, psychic pain. I didn’t have to think about it, there was nothing to study, the instructions came directly into my body, bypassing any verbal reasoning or ‘thinking’ process.
Basically there I was walking around them as they lay on the massage table, putting my hands on their energy centers or Chakras, cleansing the energy field around their bodies, feeling the disturbance or “static” that I sense when the energy centers or entire field is blocked or out of sync. This felt as though it came through my body/mind vehicle.
Meanwhile, on the home front my life was careening along, I finally weaned my daughter after two and a half years of nursing her, went back to teaching aerobic exercise, became the aerobics director at a local gym and had an affair that broke up my marriage and I lost my husband, he was my best friend and I didn't even know it at the time, and I lost other friendships too. I lost my job at the gym for not handling a staff issue intelligently and lost a dear friend who was also an aerobics instructor. My life changed drastically. I was no longer taken care of financially and, in my disgust with myself, I gave up everything. My ex-husband-to-be didn’t want our possessions either, so I ended up selling most of the stuff at several garage sales. He agreed to give me a little money to live on until I landed back on my feet. I was free in certain ways but lost and bound in others. Again, I looked to A Course in Miracles for help. Once again my inner guidance told me that I needed to trust, trust God, the Universe, All That Is and not try to control anything.
I and my daughter moved to lovely apartment with two bedrooms and began to settle into our new life. She lived with me one week and then went to her father’s the next, this arrangement was her decision and it stayed that way until she was thirteen. Soon after, I made a comment to a very dear friend of mine, announcing with great intensity, “I am now totally committed to God.” I meant I was totally committed to knowing God, being available, surrendered. At that very moment of speaking, my friend vanished for a second from my sight. His body simply evaporated. Something serious was going on indeed. I was having a new experience of ‘seeing’. I began to receive specific inner instructions. Crystal clear thoughts arrived stating ‘you need to buy food for a week’ and ‘make sure the child goes to her Dad’s’. It was an amazing feeling, this knowing, this certainty. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t afraid of whatever was coming; I felt I was being prepared. Yes, I was ready! Then about a day before things really took off, I became rather clumsy in my body which was unusual for me having danced since I was four and having taught aerobics in all its various forms for the past 13 years. I remember hitting my shin on the door of my car and hearing the very direct instruction that ‘it is time to go back home now’. I did as I as told and went home and went directly to bed. I lay on the bed and it began. My chest area began to jerk spontaneously, it was happening. I was not frightened or concerned, I was in fact delighted. I was so grateful. I knew that I was having a Kundalini movement in the heart energy center. The Anahatma or heart chakra was the beginning. I had read about it briefly in one of the spiritual books of my past but had not really studied Kundalini rising, nor knew much about other people’s experiences. I called my mother, my inner guidance told me I might be out of commission for a while and I didn’t want her to worry. I told her to go to the library and research “Kundalini rising”. Understandably, my mother was a bit concerned. But she did know about the healing abilities, she knew I was ‘mystical’ by nature. My ex-husband was very helpful, he went on the Internet (in its' toddlership in those days - 1996) and printed out pages of information on the Kundalini energy and supported my process. To be continued...
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