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It was interesting but not fulfilling, I still loved and missed the fab man। What I didn’t realize was that I was missing the Self, the real 'Me'. and that that inner connection is the answer to Wholeness. But that will be expanded upon later (in the book). The objects man wanted to marry me and in an impetuous moment on a Hawaiian vacation (uughh!) I caved in and married him. All my friends including my nine year old daughter begged me not to do it. But I did it. How stupid am I? Well its pretty amazing how stupid. For I just seem to go on in life sticking my foot into my mouth and tripping over my own feet, over and over and over and…then I met a man who would point that out to me; over and over and over and…well, you get the picture.
Basically, I was just horribly confused. I thought I was a person who seemed to lack basic human characteristics of caring for others, of finding satisfaction in having a life that was filled with great human interaction. I had never had real, deep human intimacy (not talking about sex here), other than my daughter, so I had no model and did not know where to start. Basically the marriage with the object man ended, he left and I was…free again. I sought and got back together with the fab man. It was glorious, I thought I could do it this time. I had changed, I had grown, etc. blah, blah, blah. Life seemed to be great, there I was careening along…where have I seen that before?
Then, uncannily, I got myself into another hopeless situation. One night I had too much wine and called fab man, and he had a friend over, a woman, a lovely older woman, a rabbi (!) and I lost it, the jealousy came back and we had a fight. Of course it was my fault but I could not admit it. I was upset; I broke off the relationship and went to the beach to be miserable (but pretending not to care) and contemplative. There, in a matter of a few moments I received an inner direction, quite strong, that I could not argue with. You know when you need to go to the bathroom? Right. There is no confusion. It was that kind of clarity. The message was “Go to the bookstore where your brochures are and check on your brochure”. Well, that’s exactly what I did, and looking at my brochures I found one next to mine. It was by a man who, according to the description in the brochure, did similar healing work. My immediate thought was; neat!, perhaps we have something in common, I’ll go right home and email him. I had no idea that not only would this little decision be a new beginning for me but that it would radically challenge me to look at the ultimate concept of myself, force me to face myself and what I thought and who I thought I was on a level that I never thought was possible.
The process unfolded predictably. The man, who I am with now, after six years, emailed me right back and we agreed to meet at the beach for a walk. I was in full egoic form and thought of myself as being together yet insecure, wonderful yet a loser, upbeat yet hiding, highly evolved spiritually yet lost, etc. and all that crap. He had an air about him that I couldn’t put my finger on or define easily, he was kind of sad and elusive, distant, or so I thought. We talked for hours, went to lunch and that was the beginning of the downfall of “me”. He turned out to be the mirror of myself who would show and point out all the darkness of my ego/personality which at first I denied then was furious, but I couldn’t get away. I tried to leave three times but kept returning. The whole thing was like some bad gossip column, a real human condition play. The whole catastrophe.
There were huge blow ups, arguments, threats, and crying. Lots and lots of crying. I cried so much I though I had permanently damaged the skin around my eyes. I hated him and loved him. He was right about so many things; I was bad to the bone. Or so I thought. After the first few tumultuous weeks, he suggested that I see a therapist. So I went. I thought she was very good; she sided with me about many things and encouraged me to break off the relationship. I tried, I caved. I was not the happy go-lucky, flirtatious party girl anymore; I was becoming serious, responsible. Finally, I left. But after a couple of weeks changed my mind, he was suffering terribly, and we got back together on the condition that we would seek couples therapy, for our huge battling egos. We found or rather I found a great therapist in her seventies who had been a holocaust survivor and could probably handle us and our issues. I stayed in therapy with her for several years and several thousand dollars and found the seeds of all the dysfunction in myself that would attract a man and relationship like the one I have described. Finally, I calmed down in myself, I was no longer jealous, I was no longer blaming him or myself for every little thing, my anger or more accurately rage, had all but been extinguished. Was it possible that I could become a peaceful, steady, stable and clear individual? It seemed that that what was occurring within me was permanent. Therapy helped illuminate those aspects and areas in my mind that I had heretofore been unaware of or unconsciously hid. Once they were illuminated, they vanished. The man said I was changing, blossoming. Perhaps. But what was really becoming apparent was that the personality didn’t seem to need to assert itself as aggressively as before. It is still there but it operates in the background and is not as defended.
It’s funny, looking back I did not realize I was being ruled by my personality or the idea I had of myself. If I can elucidate here; the personal idea of the self is not a set of definitions that we consciously address when we want to call up what we think of as ‘me’, __insert name here__. It is entirely unconscious and when we become more aware of ourselves as contriving this personality or set of qualities that’s when we begin to really observe how we react to certain situations and triggers. How we believe that the whole universe centers around that little persona we call ‘me’. What the little me wants and needs, its thoughts, feelings all are of paramount importance. No amount of therapy, self improvement books or methods will help quell the tyranny of the little me. It is only the cessation of all of the above that springboards into a new understanding of Self.
Is this cessation possible to bring about on one’s own? Can you just think ‘Cease and desist ego!” and it will stop? No, because it is still the ego playing the game of ego trying to become enlightened or better and that is a paradox in and of itself, and is impossible. Then do we go on suffering and repeating old patterns until we want to shoot ourselves? Yes, presumably that is what is happening here. "I" desperately want a happier experience, yet I constantly find things wrong with the experience I am creating. And around and around it goes. Help Holy Spirit!
When all feels and experienced as ‘hopeless’ surrender is the only option. You have exhausted all the negotiations for another view of the illusion, all the old methods and escapes do not work and there are no more options. Surrender to Love.
Surrendering to Love has no ideas or images that we may be familiar with. Surrendering to Love means to go into the Unconditional Bliss of Being. And that bliss may not feel like bliss at the time. It may feel like you are dropping down the rabbit hole of the unknown. And you are. Don’t stop there, keep dropping even if there is fear, it is merely a mask, a distraction to prevent you from paying attention to the Presence that is calling to Itself.
Three words that can set you free: "I don’t know". Say them and surrender to the Unknown. To be continued...
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